Sacrifice All To Him For Love

It's so strange when I think about it.  Here we are living in Miami, Florida.  We attend a Haitian church.  We live on the 5th floor of an apartment where the elevator doesn't work a lot of the time and we get to walk up and down five flights of stairs.  Construction work is happening on our balcony.  The drilling outside has been deafening as the machine pierces through concrete all day.  We've lived here for a little over a month.  Real life has settled in.  It is cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, praying about what it is we are to do here and how.  I have these strong desires.  I want to go to a prayer meeting.  I want to find other believers and attend a small group.  I want to open my home for bible studies. I want to invite over the homeless for dinner.  I need to get a part-time job but don't want to leave my children.  I want to learn Creole in a disciplined classroom setting.  I would love to make friends here.  And I wait for God to show me His way.  I don't want to go out and start something.  I just want to be led by Him. It's hard to let all our ambition go - to not make a move without His guidance.  We itch to be known.  To do something.  To seem important or have something that we can say "yep, I did that.  I do that."

But I have to wait.  I don't want to live an unfruitful life.  Waiting can seem unfruitful.  I know that when God speaks, things will move forward.  I don't like that my life seems unfruitful to everyone.  I haven't done much where I can say that I did that or accomplished that.  And it bothers me.  It bothers me a lot when I see others getting to accomplish things and do things that everyone can see and they are congratulated and applauded.  But I wait.  I've been a Christian all my life and have loved God so much.  And obedience to Him and truly listening to His heart takes you to places you don't necessarily want to go.  Leaving self behind is the most painful thing to who we are.  It grates against me to be at the bottom....to let go of my ambitions and selfish desires.  I kinda want what I want. But Gods Spirit in me wants God.  You can't have God and something else.  It's all of Him or nothing.  And this is the struggle.  Power, applause of men, position, being something, especially doing something and getting congratulation from men - God wants my whole heart.

And I know the way is narrow.  I've read that there are few who find this way.  I know that I am to take up my cross and follow Jesus.  I know that if a man doesn't forsake EVERYTHING even his own life, he can't be Jesus disciple.  Knowing something and literally coming to the actual crossroad of this reality is totally different.  There is so much pain involved in surrender.

People will walk all over you and think very little of you.  You will be misunderstood, rejected, despised, mocked and questioned by everyone - especially those closest to you.

I know without a doubt it will be worth it. I tell God that I haven't come this far to quit now.  I know His Word is true.  Throughout every hardship since a tiny girl, He has always been faithful.  But only Him.  So why do I want what I know can't be faithful?  Why is it so hard to let the crap go and lay myself down?  It is a huge sacrifice.  I don't think one single living creature who has had to go through being sacrificed has ever done so without excruciating agony and then death.  Look at what Jesus Himself went through on our behalf.  He loved us 1st.  He did what He did out of love.  And that process is happening with us.  We will sacrifice our all to Him out of love or it is nothing.  We will come to the place where we want to, out of love for Him and NOTHING or NOONE else.  God has predestined me to be conformed to the image of His Son.  And that kind of change is a complete change.  A radical change.  An entire being kind of change.