How To Be Helpful When Your Friend Moves Back In Town
1. Remember they aren't the same person they were before they left. Depending on how long they've been gone and what they have experienced while elsewhere, your friend is not the same person they were.
2. Remember they aren't here on vacation. They've come to stay. Try to remember that the way they could be when they were here on vacation versus moving is completely different. When your friend had come for a visit in the past, there weren't the level of responsibilities that being here permanently require. If they have children, the children need care. There are huge changes that need to happen when they move into town. Things like changing bank accounts, closing bank accounts, trips to the BMV for many changes. There is the learning of the new location where they live, learning a new job and budgeting the new paycheck etc.
3. Remember they need to learn a whole new set of rhythms in the way they live life back in their hometown. Your friend is in an adjustment period which can last as long as it needs to last for them. Each person is very different and we sometimes forget these delicate balances when one hasn't moved away. Sometimes you may feel your friend should be able to hit the ground running when in fact, they are struggling in areas unknown to you. Be the friend who is there to listen if they want you there. And if they don't, reassure them in little ways that they are in your thoughts without making them feel pressured to meet your expectations.
4. Be ever so patient. Your friend needs more than ever for you to be there for them but to be very patient and sensitive to their verbal and nonverbal communication. Remember this is not an easy transition for them. Again, remember that they aren't able to hit the ground running so to speak and let them enjoy freedom to find their way as they settle back in town. Let them explore new venues and possibilities and be the person they are today. As human beings, it's easy to lock people into a form as to who we think they are and how they should act/not act. Maybe we could find it in our heart to let go of the image of them from their past and begin to learn who they are today. Try cutting open the box we may have put them into and release them and enjoy them for who they are today. If that means you have to start your relationship all over again, being ever so kind and respectful until the friendship blossoms anew, then let that happen.
5. Try not to have unrealistic expectations for what they should do for you. Again, what they did in the past is in the past. They've made new connections and have had new experiences which always change people. Your friend has changed. Period. Think about what they've gone through while away. For some, the things they realized and experienced while away can change them forever. Leaving does that to a person. They see new perspectives and learn new ways of being around others. Many things can dawn on a person when they leave their old community. They may have their eyes opened to some unhealthy relationships they may have had or to the manipulation and control they may have been under. They come to know themselves better in the quiet times and adjustment periods they had to face when they moved. They may come back and realize they don't want to have the same level of relationship with others that were in their circle before or just for a time. Or they may just need time to breath and then they will reach out when they are ready.
6. Try not to assume that you know how your friend is feeling. If you read that they are acting distant, it can be difficult to understand but it is necessary as they adjust back to life in their hometown. There could be moments of excitement, joy, peace, sadness, heartbreak, nervousness, feeling overwhelmed, and wondering which direction to take. When someone assumes something different than what is going on, it can lead to more distance. If you value your friend as a person, give them space when they need it and try your best to not get hurt by it (that also causes more distance sometimes). Even asking why a person is acting differently isn't beneficial at times because your friend might not even know, or they may feel like they have to justify their actions. Remember your friend understands the awkwardness that can be there in the day to day decisions they must make during this time.
7. In the end, realize that if you value your friendship with your friend who just moved back, you will give them what they need to transition back home so that they are glad they did. Relationships are precious and your friend needs you. They need a healthy you and they need your genuine love and patience. Try not to fear when your friend isn't rushing to spend loads of time with you. Or if they aren't as social as they were before. Transitional periods are not an end but they are like a bridge to keep walking on. If they don't transition well, they'll never get to the other side. Be a friend to them in the way they need you to be even if that is to give them space. They will be grateful for that gift you give.
(Collaborative writing with a friend who has also had experience with delicate transitions. Holly, thank you for your thoughts.)
2. Remember they aren't here on vacation. They've come to stay. Try to remember that the way they could be when they were here on vacation versus moving is completely different. When your friend had come for a visit in the past, there weren't the level of responsibilities that being here permanently require. If they have children, the children need care. There are huge changes that need to happen when they move into town. Things like changing bank accounts, closing bank accounts, trips to the BMV for many changes. There is the learning of the new location where they live, learning a new job and budgeting the new paycheck etc.
3. Remember they need to learn a whole new set of rhythms in the way they live life back in their hometown. Your friend is in an adjustment period which can last as long as it needs to last for them. Each person is very different and we sometimes forget these delicate balances when one hasn't moved away. Sometimes you may feel your friend should be able to hit the ground running when in fact, they are struggling in areas unknown to you. Be the friend who is there to listen if they want you there. And if they don't, reassure them in little ways that they are in your thoughts without making them feel pressured to meet your expectations.
4. Be ever so patient. Your friend needs more than ever for you to be there for them but to be very patient and sensitive to their verbal and nonverbal communication. Remember this is not an easy transition for them. Again, remember that they aren't able to hit the ground running so to speak and let them enjoy freedom to find their way as they settle back in town. Let them explore new venues and possibilities and be the person they are today. As human beings, it's easy to lock people into a form as to who we think they are and how they should act/not act. Maybe we could find it in our heart to let go of the image of them from their past and begin to learn who they are today. Try cutting open the box we may have put them into and release them and enjoy them for who they are today. If that means you have to start your relationship all over again, being ever so kind and respectful until the friendship blossoms anew, then let that happen.
5. Try not to have unrealistic expectations for what they should do for you. Again, what they did in the past is in the past. They've made new connections and have had new experiences which always change people. Your friend has changed. Period. Think about what they've gone through while away. For some, the things they realized and experienced while away can change them forever. Leaving does that to a person. They see new perspectives and learn new ways of being around others. Many things can dawn on a person when they leave their old community. They may have their eyes opened to some unhealthy relationships they may have had or to the manipulation and control they may have been under. They come to know themselves better in the quiet times and adjustment periods they had to face when they moved. They may come back and realize they don't want to have the same level of relationship with others that were in their circle before or just for a time. Or they may just need time to breath and then they will reach out when they are ready.
6. Try not to assume that you know how your friend is feeling. If you read that they are acting distant, it can be difficult to understand but it is necessary as they adjust back to life in their hometown. There could be moments of excitement, joy, peace, sadness, heartbreak, nervousness, feeling overwhelmed, and wondering which direction to take. When someone assumes something different than what is going on, it can lead to more distance. If you value your friend as a person, give them space when they need it and try your best to not get hurt by it (that also causes more distance sometimes). Even asking why a person is acting differently isn't beneficial at times because your friend might not even know, or they may feel like they have to justify their actions. Remember your friend understands the awkwardness that can be there in the day to day decisions they must make during this time.
7. In the end, realize that if you value your friendship with your friend who just moved back, you will give them what they need to transition back home so that they are glad they did. Relationships are precious and your friend needs you. They need a healthy you and they need your genuine love and patience. Try not to fear when your friend isn't rushing to spend loads of time with you. Or if they aren't as social as they were before. Transitional periods are not an end but they are like a bridge to keep walking on. If they don't transition well, they'll never get to the other side. Be a friend to them in the way they need you to be even if that is to give them space. They will be grateful for that gift you give.
(Collaborative writing with a friend who has also had experience with delicate transitions. Holly, thank you for your thoughts.)
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