In The Depths Of My Personal Wilderness With God
Just a little background....this was written in a very dark time of my life when there was no one to turn to with what I was feeling, but God. I jotted this down in the very middle of it. I’m really glad I did, because it reminds me how things were then and how faithful God is in His love for me:
When life just seems blah and there is nothing you have that you had before...no friends, no community, no dreams fulfilled, nothing to show or brag about in your life - it is hard to truly believe. It seems easier to believe when you have limelight and recognition. So you may be judged, looked down on, despised, disdained in this season. But God truly is doing a deep deep work in your sense of winter season. You realize so much as you see from a "darker" place. You see how little value certain things are that you once held as valuable before. You see that what truly matters is you and God - your vertical relationship between you and Him that is unhindered by the facade of happy emotions caused by your stroked ego and the praise of men. And yet, there is a deep struggle and tension inside as part of you longs for that "happy" time again and part of you feels sorry for yourself and wonders if God really cares or loves you because you feel so abandoned. You feel fruitless. You have nothing to justify your existence that will draw praise from anyone around you. And that is hard. You cry. No one seems to understand you. In this season, even Gods Word and the reading of it seems difficult because before when you read it, everything was happy. You had outside support and people who admired you. Now you see that picking up the Word to connect with God isn't as fulfilling to your happiness. It literally feels like eating vegetables without ranch dip to go with it so to speak. The struggle is raw. It's real. It eats at you. You question if God is enough. Before you had a sense of God and many other components. Now you have only God. And you wonder why He doesn't make you feel happy. Where is the happiness? Well, you realize over time that nothing here truly makes you happy when God alone is our food and home and treasure. This season shows where your treasure has been. It is a time of wrestling with God alone like Jacob did when he was faced with the loss of all he owned as he sent his families and possessions away. He wrestled with God. We wrestle with Him now too. Our flesh hates this season and we doubt God. But We must go through this time of God and us alone. Wrestle with Him dearly loved friend. Wrestle until He changes your name. You will no longer be (insert your name here). You will be given a new name and a new heart for what is truly real. If you think this kind of thing just can't be right because you've been a Christian for so long, think of what all the men in the bible went through as they became great champions of faith. We tend to paint them in a coat of dazzling colors and spectacular stories but what they all went through was raw and real.
(Written March 1, 2016)
When life just seems blah and there is nothing you have that you had before...no friends, no community, no dreams fulfilled, nothing to show or brag about in your life - it is hard to truly believe. It seems easier to believe when you have limelight and recognition. So you may be judged, looked down on, despised, disdained in this season. But God truly is doing a deep deep work in your sense of winter season. You realize so much as you see from a "darker" place. You see how little value certain things are that you once held as valuable before. You see that what truly matters is you and God - your vertical relationship between you and Him that is unhindered by the facade of happy emotions caused by your stroked ego and the praise of men. And yet, there is a deep struggle and tension inside as part of you longs for that "happy" time again and part of you feels sorry for yourself and wonders if God really cares or loves you because you feel so abandoned. You feel fruitless. You have nothing to justify your existence that will draw praise from anyone around you. And that is hard. You cry. No one seems to understand you. In this season, even Gods Word and the reading of it seems difficult because before when you read it, everything was happy. You had outside support and people who admired you. Now you see that picking up the Word to connect with God isn't as fulfilling to your happiness. It literally feels like eating vegetables without ranch dip to go with it so to speak. The struggle is raw. It's real. It eats at you. You question if God is enough. Before you had a sense of God and many other components. Now you have only God. And you wonder why He doesn't make you feel happy. Where is the happiness? Well, you realize over time that nothing here truly makes you happy when God alone is our food and home and treasure. This season shows where your treasure has been. It is a time of wrestling with God alone like Jacob did when he was faced with the loss of all he owned as he sent his families and possessions away. He wrestled with God. We wrestle with Him now too. Our flesh hates this season and we doubt God. But We must go through this time of God and us alone. Wrestle with Him dearly loved friend. Wrestle until He changes your name. You will no longer be (insert your name here). You will be given a new name and a new heart for what is truly real. If you think this kind of thing just can't be right because you've been a Christian for so long, think of what all the men in the bible went through as they became great champions of faith. We tend to paint them in a coat of dazzling colors and spectacular stories but what they all went through was raw and real.
(Written March 1, 2016)
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